new cool tattoo: Revised Experience: Kissing Jake Gyllenhaal

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Revised Experience: Kissing Jake Gyllenhaal

I saw Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time on Friday. Two days later I remember virtually nothing save Jake's sandy contours and... uh...uh... well, he pretty!

"don't push your luck"

I do remember two other things: first, the noticeable video gaming levels (helpfully divided into location chapters onscreen) and second, Gemma Arterton's impossibly puffed up lips. While no one will ever challenge Angelina Jolie for authentic inflated labial beauty, Gemma's get a ton of screentime and when the very caucasion couple actually lip-locked in the middle of a mystical Arabian sandstorm, there was scattered giggling in the theater.

Kissing Jake Gyllenhaal is almost never a laughing matter (people are more likely to cry from it. Read on) but the movie had given Gemma so many "OMG!!! I'm almost kissing Jake Gyllenhaal" false alarms that it played like those countdown moments in bad thrillers where you see the bomb counter at 10 seconds and a whole minute of screen time later it's suddenly 3-2-1 dramatic. Movie time is infinitely flexible so why shouldn't Gemma and Jake stop to make out while Ben Kingsley is about to lay waste to the entire world. Kingsley is phoning it in anyway. He's not exactly in a rush to complete his dastardly mission.

What follows is the classic TFE post from 2007, touched up a little. Since this was first published Jake's lips have really slowed down. In the past 3 years he's only kissed Reese Witherspoon, Natalie Portman and now Gemma.

Jack Twist hasn't had a great couple of years onscreen. Let's kiss him better.

Fans are so fickle. The internet's collective 2006 boyfriend often gets a cold shoulder now. In 2007 he starred in two underperforming movies (the excellent Zodiac and the political drama Rendition) causing haters to question his bankability. He hasn't been seen much since --onscreen at least -- paparazzi pics aside. Pop culture cheaters went out seeking new objects of lust. Meanwhile, Jake grew a beard despite the rumors that that was entirely redundant.

Yet, through all of this, he remains entirely kissable.

We should all still love him. For what male movie star is as soft, cuddly and gorgeous? You may have only thought about kissing Jake Gyllenhaal while you were sitting in a movie theater (Jena Malone plays your proxy to the right) but you can kiss this movie star anywhere and in many different ways.

Consider the abundant photographic evidence. Jena enthusiastically demonstrates...

She suggests brazenly planting one on him outside your high school or at lame parties. He's shy at first but Jena guarantees he warms up in the bedroom.

Gwyneth Paltrow, who must be a Gyllenhaalic herself (unless my count is wrong she has shared the most screen liplocks with the man himself), concurs:

Lord knows why she starts crying once she gets Jake naked.

...from happiness?

But yeah, he does have that effect on people.

(It's because of Jake that he's like this. He's nothing... he's nowhere)

But, consequences be damned, Gyllenhaal must be kissed: violently, tenderly, with guilt or lust... it hardly matters. It must be done.

Even if you don't feel that way about Jake (what's wrong with you?), it's so easy to love him. Like a son... like a brother. You don't even have to come to him. He'll plant one on you.

I never thought I'd say this but Emmy Rossum and Gemma Arterton may well be the smartest human beings on earth. If the world is ending... by all means grab Mr. Gyllenhaal and make out in the glow of a fire or magical sand column. It's your last chance!!!